It’s Your Life, It’s Now Or Never!

Hello, and welcome dear readers to the latest post to the blog ‘The Loneliness of The Long -Distance Scotsman’, as the journey for me, Ally Farquhar, continues, from a period of trauma, diagnosed anxiety and inconvenient panic attacks, back to good mental health, peace, and contentment.

Today I want to discuss a subject which, when you have suffered many forms of trauma, grief, or loss, is important. That subject is building, or rebuilding, a strong sense of self and self-esteem, which has often been severely depleted by life’s challenges. 

I want to consider in this post the personal growth steps that we, in these unfortunate situations, need to put in place to really know ourselves, who we are, embracing and accepting the person we see in the mirror.

It can often be a hard lesson to learn, I certainly found it difficult for a significant period of time, but we as individuals are the only people responsible for ourselves, our actions and our decisions. Ultimately, we are the only person that we can guarantee that we can depend on. 

Therefore, it stands to reason that we must learn to trust ourselves, to have confidence in ourselves, to have a strong sense of self-esteem.  We don’t need to be dependent on external influences. We don’t need validation of what we choose to do in life from others. 

Having a healthy strong sense of self-esteem is about being honest with yourself, grounded in your own values, beliefs, and desires, living authentically according to these, according to yourself. 

Developing a strong sense of self is a lifelong journey, and building self-esteem requires self-reflection and intentional actions. Recovering from traumatic events can make that self-development harder. 

There are many strategies that can help you build your sense of self and self-esteem. Here’s a few that might be useful if you feel like you need to work on ‘self’.

Have boundaries and non-negotiables.
Non-negotiables and boundaries, or elements of your life you will not allow to be disrupted and behaviour from others which you will not put up with, play a significant role in building self-esteem. They establish a basis, a foundation for us of self-worth and self-respect. When we set non-negotiables, we draw clear boundaries that determine what we are no longer willing to compromise about ourselves. This act of self-assertion sends a powerful message, essentially to us, and to others that we value ourselves and our well-being.

By having non-negotiables, we protect ourselves from situations or people that may strip us of our sense of value, undermining our self-confidence. This also allows us some safe space within which to identify and prioritise our needs and stand up for what truly matters to us. This act of self-protection and self-care fosters a sense of empowerment. 

When we consistently reinforce and maintain our boundaries, we reinforce a positive image of who we are. We demonstrate to ourselves that, quite rightly, we are deserving of respect, and we deserve to have our needs met. 

Also sticking by our non-negotiables help us stay true to ourselves and maintain our sense of identity. 

Having to find our way out of the maze of emotion and confusion that trauma creates can act as a stimulus to begin a journey of self-discovery. It did for me. When we have a clear understanding of who we are, what our values and boundaries are, we are less likely to compromise our authentic self, or lose ourselves in relationships (don’t do that, always maintain a sense of self) or situations. All of this contributes to building a healthier version of ourselves. 

Commit to promises you make to yourself. 
Keeping promises to yourself is crucial for building self-esteem because it demonstrates self-care and importantly that you trust in yourself. 

When we consistently follow through on the promises, we make to ourselves, making sure we do what we said we’d do, we send a powerful message that we value our own well-being and our own needs. This action of keeping promises to ourselves is a tangible way of showing ourselves that we are reliable and capable of taking care of ourselves.

Not following through on our promises to ourselves, on the other hand, can have a detrimental effect on our self-esteem. It creates a sense of disappointment and self-doubt, eroding our self-trust and self-worth. When self-worth plummets anxiety and depression can rear their ugly heads. We can also feel guilty about not standing up for our own beliefs and values. 

By committing to the promises we make to ourselves, setting boundaries, pursuing personal goals or prioritising self-care, we reinforce in our own minds a positive self-image. We start to believe in our ourselves, our own abilities and develop or rebuild a sense of self-respect, allowing us to navigate life with greater confidence and self-assurance. It’s our life. Let’s get on with it, the way we want to. 

Stand up for your truth.
Standing up for your truth means embracing and living in alignment with your authentic self, values, and beliefs. It involves being honest with yourself and others about who you are, what you believe in, and what matters to you. 

When you stand up for your truth, you are not swayed by external pressures or the expectations of others. You have a clear understanding of your own needs, desires, and boundaries, and you don’t compromise your honesty and authenticity. Without reserve or being in any way uncomfortable with the concept you act and behave unapologetically as yourself, even if it means challenging the established order, or goes against the flow, or faces resistance from other people. Again, It’s your life, not anybody else’s. 

Standing up for your truth also means being willing to listen to your inner voice, the wee fellas that sit on each of our shoulders) and intuition. It involves trusting your own judgment and making choices that align with your values, even if they may be difficult or unpopular. This requires courage and self-acceptance, regardless of the opinions or reactions of others.

Ultimately, standing up for your truth is about living a life that is true to who you are, empowering you to create meaningful connections with others, not just accommodating or being passive in relationships with friends and partners, making choices that align with your own values. Doing so will help you to experience a sense of fulfilment and authenticity, creating a positive impact on yourself and those around you. 

Find your voice and communicate it loud and clear. ‘Hey, this is me, this is what I stand for, this is what I bring, and in return this is what I expect from you!’

Discover your wants and needs. 
It sounds simple, but a lot of us are so conditioned to a lifetime of the influence of our relationship withs others. parents, siblings, friends, partners, family, and the life experiences we’ve had, and the compromises we’ve made.  to really have a clear understanding of what our own personal individual wants and needs are.  Our wants, the things that we desire or wish for. These can be related to your personal life, relationships, career, hobbies, any area that holds significance for us individually. Discovering what we want involves looking honestly and with introspection on what truly brings us joy, happiness, excitement, and a sense of feeling that we have a purpose for existing.

Needs, on the other hand, are the essential requirements for our well-being and growth. They are the fundamental aspects that contribute to our physical, emotional, and psychological health. Needs include things like loving and being loved, connection, safety, self-care, personal growth, and fulfillment. 

By doing the work and identifying your wants and needs, you gain a sense of clarity about what truly matters to you. What you feel you are here for. This knowledge helps you make choices and decisions that align with your values and bring you closer to a fulfilling and meaningful life. It also allows you to set those boundaries we discussed earlier, and communicate your needs effectively to others, fostering healthier, more fulfilling, relationships and self-care practices.

Discovering your wants and need takes the time to really look closely at yourself, and what makes you tick. Ask yourself what brings you joy, what activities make you feel fulfilled, and what aspects of your life are essential for your well-being. Pay close attention to your emotions, desires, and the things that energise you. Journaling, therapy, or conversations with trusted friends or mentors can also be helpful in the process of self-discovery. 

Travel and broaden your perspective.
if possible, and your budget allows, go forth and broaden your mind and feed your soul! Explore new places, or places you instinctively liked, but only seen a small part of. Different cultures can broaden your perspective, challenge your assumptions, and help you discover more about yourself. Embrace the discomfort, uncertainty and adventure that comes with the unknown and learn to adapt to different environments. 

Travel can be a transformative experience that boosts self-esteem and can open up a whole different perception of how you see your place on this big rock in space.

Building a strong sense of self and self-esteem is a gradual process. Be patient with yourself and celebrate small victories along the way. Like all self-growth there’s’ work involved. It requires self-reflection, self-compassion, and a willingness to embrace your true self. It’s worth it. By consistently practicing these strategies and nurturing your sense of self, there’s a fair chance that you will develop a deeper sense of self-worth, and a trust in yourself. 


I leave you with this thought “You have been criticising yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” (Louise L. Hay)