‘Respect Yourself’

Good evening, morning, or afternoon dear reader from here on the edge of the Indian Ocean. Welcome to a new week, and the latest post to the blog ‘The Loneliness of the Long-Distance Scotsman’ as I, Ally Farquhar, carry on with my journey of self-discovery and personal growth (with a bit of healing thrown in) after experiencing trauma in 2023. 

Today I’ll be taking a look at the subject of self-respect, which, according to the American Psychological Association, is about having a healthy regard for our character, values, and dignity, and is a measure of our self-worth. 

Self-respect, far from being about self-importance or arrogance, demands of us an appreciation of who we are as an individual, which in turn impacts our thoughts, values, emotions, commitments, and behaviours. 

There are some very real benefits tri be achieved by working hard to develop a strong sense of self-respect, if it’s something that you don’t have, or need to build. Amongst these benefits are:

Achieving a growing sense of happiness: People who respect themselves understand that they must first look inward to discover their worth, esteem, and happiness. As a result, their life is more stable and fulfilling than those who compare themselves to others or those who rely on other people or external sources of validation.

Maintaining a commitment to upholding your personal values: People with self-respect have a set of morals and values by which they evaluate their character and actions. Their very worth and sense of self depend on it. They don’t want to let themselves down.

Strengthened skills establishing boundaries: Self-respect requires people to have the fortitude to establish limits and fight for them when they are threatened. Respecting oneself enough to stand up for one’s beliefs and boundaries also helps command the respect of others and can demonstrate to others the behaviours you expect from them.

Cementing a strong sense of dignity: Respecting yourself means having a strong sense of dignity toward who you are, and honouring that dignity at all times, in all circumstances. 

As you’d expect there is a real downside to having low self-respect, serious pitfalls. Some of these are:

Relying on external validation: folks with low self-respect allow others to define them, rather than defining themselves. They are more concerned with how others perceive them than what actually matters to them, and often lead unfulfilled lives as a result. They have a constant need for external validation and tend to be people pleasers.  

Living a life that lacks meaning: People who lack self-respect are unconcerned with their intrinsic values and the meaning of their lives. They are often impulsive, irresponsible, reliant on others, and self-destructive.

Having a negative self-view: Those with limited self-respect are more vulnerable to having a negative view of themselves, which can cause them to engage in self-defeating behaviours such as negative self-talk and rumination.  

Developing unhealthy relationships: A balanced, wholesome view of oneself and a healthy dose of self-respect are important ingredients in healthy relationships. Without it, people have trouble standing up for themselves and maintaining their boundaries. The lack of self-respect often gets reinforced over time, and people find themselves stuck in unhealthy situations, such as manipulative relationships.

The good news is though, if you are someone who struggles a but with respecting yourself, you can work on this and build it up. You don’t need to remain stuck in the same cycle of self-doubt over and over again. There are many strategies that can help with this. Amongst them are;

Take stock and identify your values: Start by understanding yourself. Imagine suddenly losing everything you hold dear, your closest relationships, your routines, connection, your sources of fulfilment and suddenly, without warning, being left with nothing but yourself. Ask yourself: “What is important to me? What are my values? Why do I settle for less? What can reconnect me to my value as a human being?”

Keep the focus on internal qualities: Be mindful that you may get caught up in thinking that your worth as a person is due to external factors like your relationship, your net worth, position, looks, possessions, or the number of followers you have on social media. Self-respect, however, is nothing to do with that stuff. It’s about your internal qualities like your character your morals, values, and the actions you take.

Work on accepting yourself: Start to pay attention to your thought patterns without getting caught up in them. (Here’s my opportunity to bring in my plug for mindfulness. Mindful meditation is a great way to connect with what’s actually going on right now in your head and developing a relationship with somebody very important to you, yourself) Concentrate on self-acceptance and let go of your harsh internal critic. Commit to forgiving yourself and accepting your flaws, bad habits, and all the things you don’t like about yourself.

Challenge negative thoughts: Pay attention to how negative thought patterns affect your actions. Identify your triggers for negative thoughts and rationalise them. For instance, if a negative experience or lack of specific skills causes you to automatically call yourself unworthy, it can be helpful to recognise this thought process and challenge it: ‘Even if I’m not great at singing or mountain climbing I am still worthy of love and respect.’ Again, mindfulness can teach you techniques to recognise that thoughts are not facts, they are just thoughts. Learning how to observe thoughts without judgement helps very much to build up resilience to being triggered by them. 

Don’t give in to self-doubt: Focus on loosening the grip of self-doubt. Nobody can make you feel unworthy of respect unless you permit them to do so. Develop a kinship with yourself and understand your strengths and values. Remind yourself that just as we have a moral obligation to respect others, we also have a moral obligation to respect ourselves.

Self-respect is an important part of our Individual identities because it reflects how we view ourselves, which in turn impacts every area of our life, including our relationships, work, and social life. Respecting and loving ourselves is the first step toward gaining the love and respect of others.

As the Kane Gang sang in 1984 (that’s going back a bit) “Respect yourself”. 

I’ll leave you with this thought today. ‘Self-respect is the everyday discipline of loving who you are. It is the bedrock of developing self-acceptance and self-love. It’s hard, if not impossible, to live a fulfilled, meaningful, and joyous life if you don’t respect yourself first.’ (Judith Zackson PHD)