Connected

G’day, and welcome, dear readers, from here on the west coast of Australia for the latest post to my blog ‘The Loneliness of the Long-Distance Scotsman’ on a bright sunny April day.
 
For many centuries thinkers, religious and spiritual scholars and scientific minds have pondered what we are doing here. There are many theories, many beliefs and faiths, many ideas, but most would agree, we are meant to be together, to connect with each other. 
 
I want to write a bit today about connection with others and how being connected (or not) impacts us as humans, particularly where we are in the process of working our way back from trauma.
 
My old Dad, gone a number of years now, used to say, (and this applies both in an outgoing, giving  and sharing way, and in receiving positive connection from others) ‘There’s no use in having connections son if ye cannae use them.’ 
 
With that in mind, and revisiting again the old sabre-tooth tiger with toothache theory, we are hardwired to be in groups, to thrive and be validated by interaction and association with others we love, partners, offspring we instinctively would sacrifice pretty much anything for, relatives, and those who we respect and enjoy the company of as friends. 

Without others in our life, or with limited access to connection, sub-consciously our primeval instinct is telling us we’ve been banished, abandoned by the herd, and Sid the bad-breathed Sabretooth has spotted us as his lunch.
 
We need connection, the odd hermit excepted, and even they step out of the cave now and again. It is natural to build and maintain relationships with others. From childhood, forming bonds with our parents and those who offer us care as vulnerable smaller versions of ourselves, and this early habit of connection follows us throughout our lives. 

We crave each other’s company and thrive on supporting, being useful and caring, and being supported in return. This is an intrinsic component of our humanity, and is in all of us to varying degrees.
 
We are living in an age, possibly unlike any before, where loneliness and the lack of the stimulation that poor connection gives us is becoming an epidemic. Millions around the world are experiencing chronic loneliness, low self-esteem, associated and exasperated poor mental and physical health and an unsatisfactory quality of life. 

All of this results in, or makes worse, the unholy trinity of depression, anxiety and insomnia. In some cases, crisis points are reached, feeling of social isolation heighten the impact of negative thoughts and lead to the danger of self-harm.
 
We need each other. It’s in the DNA. Our relationships, and what they bring to our lives impact our well-being, our physical and mental health, and our ability to grow and flourish in our work, in our home life, in developing our talents and creativity, and fulfilling our need to love and be loved.
 
As someone on a voyage of self-discovery, alone now for over a year, having been used to a life living in a family home previously filled with interactions with my wife, daughters, and my beautiful grandchildren, I’ve had to learn how to sit quietly in a room on my own, with no sound, and not feel anxious about it. 

That may sound very simplistic, but for much of the last year, at the times when I’m at home, 24 hours a day, either the tv is on, or a podcast is on, or during the night a radio drama is on quietly in the background, just audible, enough to hear, always sound happening, to pacify a mind used to the noise of living with other human beings.

Therefore, going back a few sentences, I’m taking being able to sit quietly, in a room in my home, with no noise, and not, as a consequence, feeling instinctively anxious, sad or lonely, as a significant positive achievement for me.
 
There are many health benefits of building and maintaining social connection. 
 
On the weekend just passed, I had a long leisurely breakfast in the company of my beautiful family, in view of the Indian Ocean.  My two Australian-based daughters, my two sons-in-law and my three adorable Scozzie (Scottish parents, Australian born grandchildren). I am immensely proud of them all, as I should be. They are examples of the best of what life can provide us.
 
Laughing, joking, the back and forwards easy familiar banter, the chat of my gorgeous grand-daughter, telling me, with wide-eyed enthusiasm, of her work as a junior leader at school, me having the sudden realisation of how quickly she is growing up, becoming more responsible, the cheeky smile of my sporty grandson, eager to be out at play with his mates, and holding the tiny wee hand of the newest arrival to the world, my not yet five months old grandson, gazing at me with his big piercing eyes, smirking and chuckling a wee bit, as I tried to make him laugh, his future filled with possibilities and opportunities to come,  was such a high for me, like a dopamine explosion, and endorphin hit.
 
I meditate every day. I see health professionals generally at least once a week to help me manage and defeat anxiety, but my goodness a couple of hours in the company of those I love left me feeling  mighty gooooood, on a natural high. What a boost. Cloud nine. 
 
Because social connection is so much hard-wired into human behaviour it makes perfect sense that the relationships we have and hold dear (or lack of them) significantly impact our well-being. Our connection with others can be equally as important to our physical and mental health as eating the right things and making sure we invest in some exercise every day.
 
Research has shown that the psychological and physical health benefits of social contact are so great that they can even outweigh the harmful effects of other risk factors, and in fact boost life expectancy.  
 
Similarly, the relationships we have can help keep us afloat in times of dire trouble. When things get tough it’s a great help, and believe me when I say I fully understand this point, to know that you have the support of people who care about you. 

I have a small group of fantastic friends here in oz, who with my family, and (showing the positive side of social media) many friends and family from back home in Scotland, my oldest friends, relatives, old school friends, work mates, neighbours, people I’ve bonded with at some time in my life, genuine great people, People I trust, who have literally over the last year at times kept me putting one foot in front to the other, as I heal and grow. 

I will never forget their kindness and warmth towards me.  I wont forget those who followed me down into the depths over the last year to drag me up to the sunlight again. 
 
When we forge deep connections with others, we are more able to recognise our similarities and differences, which in turns fosters empathy and self-awareness. It’s not greatly helpful in moving forwards from trauma to only have the opinions of the often fearful or negative voice that exist in your own head. The input of others, with different perspectives, different views, is crucial to staying real, being more authentic and working towards becoming the best version of yourself you can be.
 
Connections are so important to us all. We can do this together. You can do this. Keep going.

I leave you with this thought today…. ‘Never underestimate the empowering effect of human connection. All you need is that one person who understands you completely, believes in you, and makes you feel loved for what you are, to enable you to unfold the best version of you!’ (Anon)